Is it better to agree with someone in my family just to prevent an argument?Am i really a hippocrite if i forbid my 16 year old daughter to smoke when i'm 33 and i smoke (biggest mistake of my life starting) i'm going tthrough quitline to help me stop because i know it's just messed my life up.. My mum allowed me to smoke when i was 16 just to keep the peace between us so she could keep me close (mum smokes too).. All i want is for my daughter to be safe healthy and happy.. My daughter is spending more and more time away from me because i wont allow her to smoke in front of me.. now my family are pressuring me to let her smoke just so i can keep her close but i know from experience smoking is gonna mess her life up.. the only 2 members of my family that don't smoke have rarely had an ilness both got partners both got good jobs own houses money and are always happy and never moan.. Me and my mum constantly argue because of smoking and i don't want that between me and my daughter.. help i'm torn?
Unfortunatly we live in the uk it isn't illegal but should be
Jennifer F
Not only is it not hypocritical, it's the right thing to be doing. At sixteen years old she can get into trouble with the law if caught smoking and you could get in trouble for allowing her to.
Joy
No, it isn't better to agree with a family member just to avoid an argument. You should stand your ground, honey! When you cave in and agree, people (family in particular) tend to walk all over you. Make it clear where you stand...if they don't like it, then too bad. She's your daughter and it's your job to raise her, not theirs.
Having said that, it might be a bit hypocritical for you to continue to smoke while telling your 16-year-old that she can't or that it's bad for her, etc... You said that you're quitting, though...right? Use that to get close to your daughter. You are the one who has to set the example. You guys can work-out together, go on hikes or walks. Have a healthy lunch together at a fantastic bistro. Have girl's night in, but without the cigs. There are many things you can do together to be close.
You complain that she's spending more and more time away from home because you won't allow her to smoke in front of you. You are her parent!!! If you don't want her to be gone, tell her that. Make her stay home! It isn't your job to be her friend...it's your job to be her parent. Sometimes that line seems fuzzy with teenage girls, but go over it with a HUGE black marker if you have to!! Give her boundaries and expect that she stay within them.
Above all...stand your ground! With your family and your daughter. Good luck!!!!!
Red
Sometimes seeing the pain, and the frustration that you are experiencing (due to the fact that you had smoked) might be a very strong, silent message to her.
If it is going to effect your relationship with her that much, mabey it is best to let her make that choice. She is at an age where sometimes, nothing you say is right in her eyes and she feels she can make the choice for herself.
It seems that she knows how you feel, and that you care about her very much. But mabey she just has to see a little bit of the anguish it can cause to see why you care as much as you do. In the end, it is her decision to make, but she will never forget that you were very concerned, and loved her very much.
oddball59
Oh I really know how you are feeling. I have two children, well they're 22 and 24 now. I know you're not going to want to hear this but at the age of 16, how likely do you think it is that you will be able to stop her? Think about that for a minute.
You have done your job as a parent well in telling her about all the dangers of smoking....so she DOES actually know this.
The more you continue to tell her the more she will move away from you.
It is very frustrating when our children start to grow up and you want the very best for them but as much as we can advise etc. there does come a point when you need to stand back.
If you have a chat with your daughter and tell her you've gone on so much BECAUSE you care for her and you accept now she understands all the risks and it is up to her what she wants to do then I think you'll not only have bridged a gap but, you'll find that she may well give up smoking at some point on her own terms.
Honestly, I would stop telling her now and make some peace between you.
Remember, you have done all you can do and now it's up to her.
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